Parker

I live in L.A., which means, in addition to dealing with traffic (a.k.a purgatory--the place between where you were and where you want to be), I also have to deal with the issue of finding a parking spot. The parking issue can add anywhere from ten to fifteen mintues to any trip and subtract anywhere from five to twenty-five dollars from your wallet. I, however, always manage to find "rock star parking." My friends jokingly, and with a little bit of awe and envy, call me Parker. It's a joke. . .but it's also my biggest secret.

I used to get so irritated at those people who wasted valuable parking space by leaving so much room between their car and the next--enough space to fit half a car. You add up all of that wasted space and you have a few more parking spots. I always wished that if I could have any super power, it would be super human strength, so I could push all those stupid cars together and make enough room for mine. This probably all seems obsessive and crazy, but strange things happen when you spend an hour to go ten miles and another half hour, just to park your car. This was one of those days when traffic had been later than usual, I was ten minutes away from being late for court and there was no parking to be found within six blocks. I wa going to be late and be sanctioned and possibly lose this motion. This was going to be a huge day for me, and I wasn't going to let anything ruin it. I spotted a row of cars that were irresponsibly spaced apart. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, and while cars honked at me and drivers flipped me off, I started to push one of the cars. I'll admit it, I snapped. I really don't know what I expected to happen, but the car started to move. I was scared at first thinking that some idiot didn't have his parking break on and I had just been responsible for a domino effect of parked cars smashing into each other. But no, it had only moved a foot, so I pushed on it again until it was a foot from the car in front of it. I did the same thing with the next two cars and then parked my own. I made it to court just in time and won my motion.

It wasn't until later that night, when I had to ask myself, "What the hell happened this morning?" It was all such a haze. I tried to lift my couch, and it was then that I realized, I really needed to start working out. My couch isn't that heavy and I could barely budge it. It must have been a combination of my nerves and adrenalin and my imagination. There is no way I moved three cars. In my current state, I couldn't budge three golf carts, let alone three cars. Oh well, crazy imagination, high on adrenalin, whatever. It obviously didn't happen the way I remember it.